Another Alias
- Name
- Another Alias
- Age
- 21
- Gender
- Female
- Location
- Australia
- Joined date
- February 20th, 2008
Poems
A Sigh; Resigned
February 27th, 2008The Path of Suffering
February 27th, 2008Cherry Blossom
February 26th, 2008Bonsai Immature
February 26th, 2008I'm Never Good Enough, But That's Okay
February 26th, 2008One Day
February 21st, 2008
Journals
Tired, lost, unhappy and so very lonely.
February 27th, 2008You don't know what you have.
February 27th, 2008Another day... I'm not okay.
February 27th, 2008I HATE myself.
February 26th, 2008I was a bitch, but she was so rude!
February 26th, 2008I found something that actually helps.
February 25th, 2008It begins again...
February 24th, 2008Sigh. I want to get paid...
February 22nd, 2008Nobody here but me...
February 21st, 2008...A Cult?
February 21st, 2008
About
Now I know that I'm being used
But that's okay because I like the abuse
I know she's playing with me
But that's okay 'cos I've got no self-esteem
And I don't want the world to see me
Because I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
...So this is me on the internet. I haven't been genuine with anyone for quite a long time, and I have a lot of things to own up to, which I guess is why I am resorting to this. So here it is:
This is my confession.
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I am a nineteen-year-old from Canberra, Australia, and for four years I have been living a lie. My boyfriend thinks I just have trouble sleeping, but really I am miserable, and I spend my nights awake in paranoid self-loathing. I am a normal weight, but I have had eating disorders in the past and I feel like I'll never be happy until I am skinny again. I am always planning ways to diet because I am afraid I am not good enough for my boyfriend, but I always end up bingeing when he is not around. I spend all our money on junk food, aspirin, painkillers and by shopping for things I can't afford. And then, to cover up everything, I lie.
I hide everything. I make up things about my past to justify my irregular habits and my shyness. I say that I was a child genius and that my father abused me. I tell him that I am afraid of people, when really, I am afraid of myself. Our house is full of junk food wrappers that I stuff into closets to hide what I've been doing, and dispose of when he's not around. When I eat a lot, I always pretend that I am feeling lightheaded or ill and I go to bed so that he will not see me naked in my bloated shame.
I love him so much, but it is like there are two of me- the half that wants to be healthy and happy and to have a strong relationship, and the half that longs for him to leave the house so that I can indulge my self-pity. It is the ultimate betrayal, and I hate myself for it. He is the only thing that matters to me- I have no family, and I have withdrawn from speaking to my friends out of pure shame. He is my lifeline, but I lie to him all the same, just as I undermine my own happiness and sabotage everything I ever wanted to be.
We live together in supposed domestic bliss, but although he has his friends, I haven't spoken to a soul since I left highschool. I pretend to have a busy social life, but really I have estranged myself so far from everyone that I cannot help but feel like I am totally alone. In my spare time, I lurk around online, or talk to strangers, playing out characters with lives more extravagent and interesting than my own. Lying is compulsive for me now- I lie to my co-workers, to my boyfriend's friends and people that I meet. I cannot help but exaggerate the truth- it is all I can do to run from it.
And now I have lied so much that I don't know who I am. It's taken over my whole life, and I can't run or hide anymore. And even I have no-one to really confide in, I think it is time I started telling the truth...
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There is some other stuff I like too...
Bands:
Linkin Park, The Dresden Dolls, Cake, Dimmu Borgir, Cradle of Filth, The Dandy Warhols, The Offspring, Helloween, Dethklok, Nirvana, Sonata Arctica, Nightwish, Nile, Mastodon, Iron Maiden, Planet Funk, The Goo Goo Dolls, Dream Theater, Immortal, Leonard Cohen, Manowar, Crowded House, The Bloodhound Gang, Rammstein, REM, Sound Garden, Daft Punk, random country and yokel songs (shame on me!)
Writing:
Mervin Peake, The Ghormenghast Trilogy, Frankenstein, Dune, Edgar Allen Poe, Oscar Wilde, William Blake, H.P Lovecraft, Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams, Frank Herbert, Dracula, Dr.Jeckyl and Mr Hyde, Jack Keroac, Philip K Dick, Arthur C Clarke, Rudyard Kipling
TV and movies:
Bladerunner, Family Guy, Fight Club, Metalocalypse, South Park, Black Books, Stargate, American Dad, Edward Scissorhands, Dead Man, Futurama
Other stuff:
Jogging, swimming, beaches, beach-combing, training, ki, japanese martial arts, archery, health, fruit juice, pokemon, the internet, writing, poetry, shopping, drawing, road trips, photography, psychology, sociology, yoga, stargazing, energy drinks, philosophy, arguing, reading, witty banter, my Ipod, rainy days, late nights, early mornings, sunsets, sunrises, stunning pictures, sci-fi, heavy metal, my cat, youtube, the 80s, webcomics, pon and zi, cyanide and happiness, msn, natalie dee
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MSN: merely_mediocre@hotmail.com
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